A year ago today was not like any other day. It was the 20th anniversary of my Father’s death. I woke up in Sedona after sharing my heart with beautiful souls who’d chosen to be with me all weekend at the @SedonaYogaFest.
It hit me hard that morning. And every year around this same time I always feel more vulnerable and sensitive in general. Very raw & real. I remember we went to a vortex right before dawn so I could speak more directly to my Papa during that liminal time.
We also took photos with the new sun rising ever so tenderly.
Then I found rose petals at the vortex (given to me my the universe) and did a beautiful ceremony for my Father. It was cold that morning but I had bare feet so I could feel the vibration of the earth to the sky and in Father Sky HIS presence.
I melted completely into emotion. I was unashamedly emotional.
The deepest sadness and aloneness and despair came over me.
I couldn’t stop crying.
I thought I knew heartbreak and here it was on some new level. I was in this moment completely pulled into pieces of light.
All I wanted was that the person with me show me some compassion as I cried in child’s pose. I couldn’t get up.
What happened next altered my life. My life partner got angry. Really angry at my crying and truth is this wasn’t the first time. My vulnerability pissed him off since the day of my accident 2 years before.
But here where the dualism and separation of being apart from my Papa when I needed him so desperately because the other male energy in my life had been so missing broke me. Completely.
I begged, cried, pleaded for compassion and nothing was given by this human being in front of me with arms folded, hurrying me up.
“Compassion is the transfiguration of dualism. It is the only emotional state not anchored in the aspect of the separated self. Its very nature is selfless.
Compassion is a state where you feel not for another, this is empathy or sympathy; compassion is feeling and seeing the world as the other person sees it and feels it.”
I WANTED THIS. I ASKED TO RECEIVE IT.
“It is from this natural state that true love arises and the little ego-driven self slowly losses strength over actions. In other words the intent underlying cause shift from self to selfless driven.
The selfless perspective is inclusive and very transformative.”
-James Andrew Barrett
These few quotes hint at the meaning of compassion.
“In the Sutra teachings, the means is compassion, while the knowledge (wisdom) is emptiness. By unifying compassion and emptiness, we attain true and complete enlightenment.”
~ Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche
“Compassion is the awareness of a deep bond between yourself and all creatures. But there are two sides to compassion, two sides to the bond. On the one hand, since you are still here as a physical body, you share the vulnerability and mortality of your physical form with every other human and with every other living being. …
“The realization of this deathless dimension, your true nature, is the other side of compassion. On a deep feeling-level, you now recognize not only your own immortality but through your own that of every other creature as well. On the level of form, you share mortality and the precariousness of existence. On the level of BEING, you share eternal, radiant life. These are the two aspects of compassion. In compassion, the seemingly opposite feelings of sadness and joy merge into one and become transmuted into a deep inner peace. This IS the peace of God. It is one of the most noble feelings that humans are capable of, and it has great healing and transformative power. But true compassion, as I have just described it, is as yet rare. To have deep empathy for the suffering of another being certainly requires a high degree of consciousness but represents only one side of compassion. It is not complete. True compassion goes beyond empathy or sympathy. It does not happen until sadness merges with joy, the joy of Being beyond form, the joy of eternal life.” -Eckhart Tolle from, The Power of Now, Pages 162 –163
Then in the radiant light, that only if you’ve seen sunrise at a Sedona vortex, can you totally understand, I realized I was totally empty. And the mantra “May I be empty so LOVE can flow through me” was delivered to me. And I’ve said it every day since. Including today, 21 years without my Papa.
My sadness merged with joy. I felt our mortality, Papa’s, and my own, and our shared infinity as well. He is eternally with me. I am never alone. The Human + Being came together into a place of vulnerable peace.
I stopped crying.
Then the strangest thing happened, I stopped asking to receive Compassion.
Instead, I felt compassion for the human man with me who wasn’t able to have this experience of noble beingness and selflessness. I knew in that moment that this was not true love.
I’ve not been the same ever since.
Today, 21 years without Papa, how do I feel? Selfless.
And I remember what human after human being, after human, after human being told me at the funereal, “Your Father was the kindest person.” I think I understand now better than ever. Enrico Mordini is a noble man who lived here and lives beyond here with true compassion.
He was my First Valentine.
Lens: Italy the land of my Father, Enrico Mordini.