In Emily Perry’s class today we were invoking Shiva, stoking the remembrance of concealing and revealing. I’ve been in deep contemplation about the issue of trust and my biggest wounding in this area. Asking myself how has this impacted my own concealing and revealing.
Recently in conscious relationship I came to realize how much of my own work requires I go deeper in revealing, otherwise emotional intimacy is impacted. It’s just not that simple because I don’t trust others very easily to hold space for my vulnerability, pain, or fear.
I hold back because I’ve so dearly struggled with feeling safe (and with good reason after an abusive marriage). My PTSD can easily get triggered if I feel like there is any potential worry for mistrust. The resistance to revealing also comes as a result of betrayals from abandonment when I’ve needed help the most, like when I was recovering from TBI.
The paradox is that I hold space easily. There is nothing you can’t say to me that I won’t hold and honor with total acceptance and unconditional love.
I just find it difficult to believe that someone will do that for me.
I am deeply grateful for the blessing of this relationship and how it shifts my consciousness to another new level of awareness. And with time, little by little I am rebuilding trust.
This is my most important transformation.