3 Year Anniversary of Realizing my Life was a Lie

Today is a 3 year anniversary for me. It is the day that my life completely changed and I realized that everything I thought was true was a lie.

I have never spoken and written about this day publicly before, but in an effort to stop over concealing this “box of darkness” I unwantedly received I decided to share something now.

It was March 14th, the day before his birthday, and I received his email. “This isn’t the end, but rather a different chapter.”

I want this to be clear. It’s not about relationships ending, of course they do. That’s the cycle of life. Everything has an expiration date, even Us. Our lives are impermanent.

I have no resistance to this.

It is not the problem.

The challenge has been how the expiration was revealed. To receive an email from my beloved partner after so many years together, while he was in Paris ready to celebrate his birthday with the other woman, was impersonal and insensitive to say the least.

Shock and sadness ensued.
I had NO idea.
I woke up happy and laughed and made him laugh within the first 60 seconds of each day. I went to sleep well kissed and smiling.

We had a beautiful life.

The unraveling of what was concealed took a few months. The “Other Woman” who he cheated on me with for over a year is lovely from what I know. I even tried to friend her on Facebook “Before” I knew she was replacing me.

There I said it, I was cheated on (twice by him). I have carried that shame for 3 years. I couldn’t believe that what I thought was true was untrue. I felt not just betrayed but like an idiot for believing lies for so long.

I had given up everything to live together in Seattle. I sold my yoga studio, and left my friends and Family. I risked it all for love.

Maybe unconsciously I saw the signs, his changing his passwords on his computer, never leaving his phone lying around, even taking it into the bathroom with him at home. Unreturned calls at odd hours, strange credit card charges.

I had PURE TRUST and unconditional love.

The sadness was so much about the way this was handled without grace after so many years together. The urgency to send me an email so he could be with her more openly in Paris March 15, 2015 celebrating his birthday. And there was the betrayal I felt from trusting those of his friends and co-workers that knew about her and lied for him, while still coming to our home to eat, drink and be merry.

On this day I lost trust in humans.

I lost trust in myself for having let this happen.

And every single day since then, for 3 years, I have been working to rebuild trust. I’ve done the self-work, I’ve met with healers, shamans, cut the chords, healed the energy vibration, talked to therapist, journaled, meditated, cried, chanted, sold my house and went to live on the other side of the world to heal.

One of the hardest parts has been that I felt like I would be judged if you knew someone as smart and spiritual as I am could be so fooled. I thought you would lose respect for me. I was afraid. I didn’t know who or how to trust so I struggled with this by myself. It was the loneliest time of my life.

His betrayal broke me.

I had anxiety attacks. I couldn’t breathe. I got very sick.

My body started shutting down. I got so ill I ended up in the hospital. I felt grey.

I had to stop teaching.

And for months His long time concealing kept being revealed. I didn’t want to know more.

But life goes on, I don’t know how I got up but I did.
I give all credit to our Creator. My faith in Spirit saved me.
I was born again happy.

Within 11 months they gave birth to their first baby and were married. And in the end, love is love.

It chooses us.

All I hope for her is that she can trust him.

I continue my own journey of learning how to trust again. I am to this day still Healing.

I stay soft and keep expanding.

And I never ever stop believing in true love.

 

Throat Chakra Affirmations for Healing

A healthy throat chakra is the bridge between our minds and our hearts.
The 5th chakra is the one in between connected the 4th chakra (heart) and 6th chakra (mind).
Keeping it strong and in balance is paramount for a happy life.

Try practicing those affirmations on this list that resonate with you the most.

1. Love opens the door for me to feel whole and complete.
2. Everything I do is an expression of love.
3. It is now safe for me to express my feelings.
4. I am confident in the healing power of love to open my throat for greater self-expression.
5. I easily and gracefully express my deepest feelings and emotions.
6. It is now right for me to express the best of who I am now.
7. I release the fear and doubts which block the way to my creative expression.
8. My throat chakra is balanced between my head and my heart.
9. I lovingly speak my truth and allow my Higher Self to speak through me.
10. I speak the sweet whispers of the heart.
11. I speak my truth with clarity and courage.
12. My throat is clear and open, my voice utters truthful words.
13. I willingly release all fears and negativity that block me from speaking my truth.
14. I use my words to create beauty in this world.
15. I hear and speak the truth.
16. I express myself with clear intent.
17. Creativity flows in and through me.
18. My voice is necessary.
19. I stand up for and speak the truth.
20. I am able to harness my will power to control addictive influences in my life.
21. I am ready to put my negative habits to one side and openly develop my creativity.
22. I substitute love, joy, and creative expression for old patterns of addiction and abuse.
23. I willingly give up (smoking, alcohol abuse, dope, overeating and unhealthy dieting) to enhance my own creative gifts.
24. I love and trust my creative gifts.
25. I am the messenger.

I am Trying to Make Better Choices

I’m trying to make better choices.

“A door opens. Maybe I’ve been standing here shuffling my weight from foot to foot for decades, or maybe I only knocked once. In truth, it doesn’t matter. A door opens and I walk through without a backward glance. This is it, then, one moment of truth in a lifetime of truth; a choice made, a path taken, the gravitational pull of Spirit too compelling to ignore any longer. I am received by something far too vast to see. It has roots in antiquity but speaks clearly in the present tense. “Be,” the vastness says. “Be without adverbs, descriptors, or qualities. Be so alive that awareness bares itself uncloaked and unadorned. Then go forth to give what you alone can give, awake to love and suffering, unburdened by the weight of expectations. Go forth to see and be seen, blossoming, always blossoming into your magnificence.” #DannaFaulds
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My inspiration behind my drawing today. BE.


#truth #free #awake #present #love #seen #alive

Angels Believe in You

“You need not believe in angels; angels believe in you. You need not understand angels; angels understand you. You need not see angels; angels see you, bask in your perfection, celebrate your spirit, revel in your light. Angels see you! Angels see Love.” -Steffany Barton
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❤️ I always feel the presence of #angels in my life. Maybe it’s something you’ve not given much thought to or you too feel them as your guides. ❤️
All I can say is that not a day goes by that I don’t rely on my angel guides to offer me support. I reach out to them in my prayers and I listen for their messages in my meditation. I ask for their safety when I travel. I write them letters when I journal. They are present in a very real way.

Now I realize by saying this that many reading will think this is too much. I get it. But I’m tired of keeping quiet about the depth of my practices and beliefs. To me angels are all around us and I am so grateful.
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When outside in nature I sense them even more.
Grateful for this time this week in #santacruz reconnecting to old and new friends and Mama earth and the blessed water. Gracias por mi Vida!
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#selfie #beach #sadhana

From 17 Years Old to Now What I Believe(d)

What I Believe(d)

To be honest it’s still been some of both, past tense and present tense. But I’m ready to be done with the pain once and for all and only exhale love…
– I had to keep his secret of what he did to me
– It was my fault
– I could never be unbroken
– I had less value
– I will always be afraid
– I had to try harder
– If I got pregnant from this attack my life would be ruined
– I was damaged
– I’d bring shame to my family
– No one would marry me now if they knew
– Holding this lie was easier than telling the truth
– No one would believe me
– I had to protect everyone (even him)
– People would feel sorry for me
– He felt no guilt for his actions against my will
– My family couldn’t handle the pain of my pain
– No one would love me if they knew
– I’d find the right time to tell people about what happened.
(I never found the “right time” to tell anyone until yesterday for the first time. I was 17 years old, he was a safe friend or so I thought. I was so innocent. I’ve made the decision to share more details publicly but not here, on my web site.)
#idonttalkaboutit evolved to telling my truth about #metoo

Saraswati goddess of Learning

I’m a week back from #Bali where while there this time I had numerous teachers and seers ask me about my dedication to #Saraswati. In many conversations I was encouraged to invoke her as learning is the root of all dharma. And so I bought a #mala where I’ve only meditated to her.

And what I ask myself is “what did I learn that I can apply right now.”

The literal meaning of the name Saraswati is the one who gives the essential knowledge (Sara) of our own Self (Sva). The goddess Saraswati is also considered the Goddess of #Learning, or of education, intelligence, and the arts. As she is the consort of Brahma, who is considered the source of all knowledge, Saraswati is knowledge itself. Thus, many students or even scholars may worship her for her blessings.
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She is often depicted sitting on a #lotus, which symbolizes that she is founded in the experience of the Absolute Truth. Thus, she not only has the knowledge but also the experience of the Highest Reality. She holds in her four hands a vina instrument, a mala (prayer beads) in the right hand, and a pustaka (book) in the left, which represents the knowledge of all sciences.
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Holding the book in one hand also indicates that this knowledge alone can bring us to the Truth. The vina shows the beauty of learning the fine arts. Playing her vina, she tunes the mind and intellect with her knowledge, and thus the seeker can be in harmony with the universe. The prayer beads represent all spiritual sciences, like meditation and japa (chanting holy names), and, being held in the right hand, that it is more important than the secular knowledge contained in the book in her left hand. Her four arms represent her unrestricted power in the four directions. She also represents creativity, or the combination of power and intelligence, the basis of creativity.
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Her name literally means the one who flows, which can be applied to thoughts, words, or the flow of a river.
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She is also occasionally shown with five faces and eight hands, representing her additional powers. Other objects that she may hold include the pasha (noose), ankusha (goad), chakra (disc), padma (lotus), trishula (trident), and shankha (conch). Sometimes she is also seen riding on a swan, the carrier of her spouse, Brahma. At other times she is seen riding on a peacock or sitting with one nearby. The peacock represents the worldly beauty, which can distract the spiritual aspirant. The swan signifies the acquisition of wisdom and knowledge because of its ability to separate milk from water when eating, and thus acquire only the milk.
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Saraswati is also the shakti or power and consort of Brahma, the secondary creator of the universe. Thus, she is also considered a #motheroftheuniverse. In this way, she is also connected with fertility.

Do You Choose Happiness or Truth? By Silvia Mordini

Do You Choose Happiness or Truth?

In yogic terms Truth, known as Satya, can be defined on three levels: (1) that we speak the truth about what we think, (2) what we feel and (3) what we do. When we feel out of alignment, it is usually where there is a conflict between what we think and what we feel. When we aren’t honest we feel unsteady, anxious, and uprooted—everything that happiness is not.

In the Yoga Sutras Chapter 2.36, it is presented that if we are “dedicated to the truth and integrity, our thoughts, words and actions gain the power to manifest.”  (Translation from Secret Power of Yoga by Nischala Joy Devi).

Truth is the destination, and happiness is the way to travel to get there.

The Yoga Sutras spell out that if we are not balanced mentally, physically, or emotionally, then we are not living our true, naturally happy potential.

Happiness is our birthright. Yoga teaches us that our true .

Read the full article on DoYouYoga.com

ego eradicator 2017 Desire

Why Do You Hate Me?

Why Do You Hate Me?
By Silvia Mordini

Why does *He hate me? Why do you?
And why do you hate my friends and family too?

The Truth is…
I was not brave.
I didn’t do enough.
I don’t value my vagina or olive skin enough to stand up and be bigger.

I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.

I totally underestimated how much America hates women, people of color, LGBTQ and disabled people. And I totally didn’t realize that women are as sexist as anyone. I am behind the times in recognizing the monster of internalized sexism amongst “smart” women.

I am inspired to do more by Hillary Clinton whose words below stay with me, “I want everyone to come out from behind that and make sure your voices are heard going forward.

I have had successes and I’ve setbacks.

Never stop believing that fighting for what’s right is worth it.

For all the women who put their faith in me, nothing has made me prouder than to be your champion.

I know we still haven’t shattered that glass ceiling but someday someone will sooner than what we think right now.

To all the little girls, never doubt that you are powerful and deserving of every chance to pursue your own dreams.”

*Trump

Power of Faith

These mantras are summarized from Judith Lasatar’s book Living Your Yoga. This has been a long time favorite of mine so much so we use it as part of my RYT200 AlchemyYoga Teacher Training. I refer to these time and time again.

Faith Mantras
I have faith in myself
I have courage to act from my heart and compassion to stay open
I am willing to make hard decisions with a soft heart
I have faith in my willingness to have faith

The truth is we have to work at our happiness, have faith, and trust in the process without knowing the outcome in advance. To be faithful requires the courage to live in and maintain faith through the inevitable ups and downs of our life journey.

It’s easy to stay faithful when everything is going well and as expected, but the real test of faith happens when life gets challenging. In the event that your partner becomes ill, depressed, or suffers a job loss, can you keep your faith strong and remain trustworthy while facing problems?

When it comes to our jobs, it’s easy to maintain loyalty during career highs, but when times get lean or the economy turns are you able to stay the course and support the team? How about your commitment to health and wellness; are you able to stay faithful to your diet when the scale shows no visible result? Can you keep your promise to yourself without succumbing to the lure of a short-term fix?

Being faithful in a romantic relationship implies that you find each other to be trustworthy. It carries a promise that you’ll always be there, and through your faith in one another will build a sanctuary of togetherness. I don’t recall my exact age when I first heard the vows, “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health,” but they were imprinted on my young brain. Even then, this public act of faith had a huge impact on me. This promise between two adults created a sanctuary of trust and dependability no matter the ailments or misfortunes of life.

My parents were married until death interrupted them. My father passed away suddenly when he was only 59 years old during a routine checkup. My mother has been my faithfulness role model, as she kept her promise to my father until his sudden and tragic death. Looking back, I realize how difficult it was for her to stay steadfast in her commitment to being our mother first, to my brother and me during this trying period, instead of a widow. In my romantic life, I believe that I will find a partner who holds such conscious integrity that he will remain honorable as a friend and lover throughout my life journey, much like my parents.

Active faith starts with keeping our commitment to loving ourselves by having a healthy diet, promoting good self-care, and talking to ourselves in a positive inner dialogue.

DSCF6413One of the main virtues that my spiritual practice of yoga and meditation has taught me is perseverance. This virtue of sticking to it and not giving up on a pose when it gets tough has served me in all other aspects of my life, since the difficult poses come aplenty. I can think of more than a handful of friends who are currently facing a serious illness, loss of financial stability, or emotional pain and am inspired by their courage to keep their faith strong.

Whether it’s a romantic relationship, your job, how you look after yourself, or your diet, remember to keep true to your promise when the going gets tough. It will inevitably feel impossible from time to time but you must believe, trust, and stay faithful.

Love yourself, love your day, love your life! Silvia

Why Fake Your Practice and Yoga Teaching? By Silvia Mordini

Why Fake Your Practice and Yoga Teaching?

In school, you can try to fake knowing more than you do but when it comes time for the test the truth comes out by way of your grade.  In bed you can try to fake feeling more than you do, even orgasm, but when it comes down to it you’re only fooling yourself if you think your partner can’t tell.  In teaching yoga, you can show up, pretending to be “ultra spiritual” a la JP Sears and act the part of a yoga teacher, even faking happiness and serenity, but eventually one of two things will happen to you:

You’ll fall apart or give up from the exhaustion of pretending Your students will call you out as being a Poser.

You can’t keep faking you have your shit together if you really don’t and aren’t even trying to discern what is real or not. Yoga is like truth serum and it will make you .

Read the full article on DoYouYoga.com

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